Dedicated to Gwen Shapira
It’s a tale of woe and malice, a tale of a DBA
That the users learned to fear and to get out of his way
He would drop production tables when complaints had grown to loud
He would smile and feign surprise and then suggested “use the cloud”
He would backup every hour but would not deign to restore
“If it’s gone, just be more careful, it’s just me the backup’s for”
He would kill off all the queries that had gone on way too long
When the users would complain he would just say that they are wrong
When the database expanded
And the system was too slow
He just shrugged, “go talk to network –
Go tell them your tales of woe”
When the backups all are running and the database is gone
He won’t care about the users, just let an evil yawn
When the disks will come down crashing, if it’s way too late at night
He’ll just sets his cell to “silent”, waits until the morning light
When the database expanded
And the network was too slow
He just shrugged, “go talk to network –
Go tell them your tales of woe”
When the database expanded
I/O rates became too high
He just shrugged, “go talk to storage –
Or just go crawl off and die”
And the coders told him – “Buddy,
All your indices are wrong”
So he told them, “It’s your queries,
and your fault they take too long”